Turn Your Passion Into Action

I’m the wife of a pastor and work for a nonprofit, so recently I was invited to preach at a nearby church about my work. I went and shared my message, and though I thought it went well, I received a distressed phone call from the pastor a few days later. It seems one of the members of the congregation was upset by my message. So I gave the church member a call.

That phone call provided me with a framework on how to have a difficult or emotionally-charged conversation with someone with which you disagree. And because this may come up from time to time within your sisterhood, I’d like to share what I learned:

1. Listening to understand and listening to formulate a response are not the same thing.

When you're trying to form or maintain relationships with people, you need to suspend the desire to “win” an argument. Instead, make sure the person feels heard. This can be disarming to the person you're disagreeing with because they're not expecting this grace.

2. How you say what you say matters.

I recently watched a Ted Talk by Sally Kohn in which she said, "You can be politically right, but emotionally wrong". Your tone, attitude, eye contact, and body language can determine the outcome of a disagreement just as much as your words can. Remember that your goal is understanding and relationship building and your attitude will follow.

3. Ask, "Why do you feel that way?"

In a recent episode of Ana Marie Cox's podcast With Friends Like These she talked about “putting on her journalist hat” during difficult discussions. This question shifted the tone because people stopped defending ideas and started embracing feelings. This can yield important reasons for why a person holds a particular view: a painful event from his/her childhood or a deeply held belief. Listening to these feelings can allow you to see where this person is coming from in a new way. 

4. Restate/explain/clarify your position.

People hear things wrong. People connect dots that you don't intend for them to connect. So you may need to restate your point or rephrase theirs to make sure you’re hearing each other correctly.

5. Acknowledge that you both have rational, valid points even if you disagree.

This is perhaps the place where relationships are made or broken. Even if you disagree on a topic, you might have the same end goal in mind. You may each have a different vision of how to achieve these goals, and that is OK. It's important to find what you have in common and end on a positive note.

So, how do you have difficult conversations? What would you add to this list? 

About the author

Christina Krost joined Phi Chapter at Albion College in 1999. She holds a BA from Albion College and an MAT from Marygrove College. She joined the interfaith earth care non-profit Faith in Place in March 2015 and United Methodist Women in November 2016. Christina loves to share her passion for green living and environmental justice with others because it reflects her love for creator and neighbor and leaves a healthier planet for her three young daughters.